Seattle Roadtrip: Part 2

"It was probably nothing but it felt like the world"  — Morrissey, Autobiography
Sometimes, the less I think about it, the more it feels like it was all just a dream. A dream that was so consuming and realistic though. And maybe it all was just a dream. Like a figment of my imagination, that I was foolish enough to believe it. But it's weird to think like that. Because at the same time, it felt so damn real. And sometimes, it still does. 
After Seattle, we traveled south to explore Mt. Rainier national park. Which was beautiful by the way, probably one of my favorite parts of the trip. We camped for the night and then drove up to the Paradise Inn and hiked up the gorgeous trails they have there. 

Seattle Roadtrip: Part 1

What bittersweet memories. 
I have been wanting to post these for a while. I've been editing them in batches, on days I feel emotionally stable enough to handle the rush of emotions that comes along with going through all of these and reliving that time. 
Today is a good day. I mean, an ok day. I am working on being positive. And considering that the last few days have been pretty awful, I (thankfully) feel somewhat optimistic. So I'll take this opportunity to get these out. 
I don't want to be bitter about the past. Or the present. Because I don't believe in living that way. I don't regret because life is too short. And I will cherish this short time we had together that was so, so incredible. Even when I know I may never have the chance again. But that's ok. 
Today I am positive. So I am posting these. 

So this is Jordan, by the way. The main subject to like my last 10 blog posts. The boy I am so helplessly in love with. The person I think about all day, every day. Love is a funny thing....
I remember, the first day that we hit the road was so surreal. Knowing that I would get to see him for more than 2 days was insane to me. Getting to look over and see him there, was amazing. So I took a lot of pictures like this. Because I was just so happy to be able to look over at him. And I didn't want to forget what that felt like. 
So the first day we started out in Abilene (where he lives) and traveled through Oklahoma and Colorado, making a pit stop in Fort Collins for the night. 
We made a lot of random stops to break up the drive, one being Sacajawea's grave site which we happened upon by complete accident. But definitely a happy accident. 
We also stopped to venture down to this river that had been teasing us for miles. Wind river, I believe was the name. It was cold and there were a ton of mosquitoes but it was beautiful and a much needed break from the car. 
The second night, we stayed in Yellowstone National Park. We drove in super late and cruised through the forest with our windows rolled down, enjoying the smell of pine and the cool air. It actually got pretty chilly that night, down in the 30's I think. We were definitely not prepared for that and we only had one sleeping bag. So we both squeezed in and kept each other warm through the night. Daylight and the warmth of the sun was definitely welcome though. In the morning, we got up a tad early to walk around and check out the park before we had to jet. 
We saw the eruption of the Bee Hive which is apparently kind of rare? So that was cooooool. 
And then it was on to Seattle where we worked the Renegade Craft Fair for two days! Kind of a disappointing turn out but fun none the less. These are the only 2 pictures we have from that. Woops. 
Seattle is a beautiful city though. I love it. I wish we would have had more time to explore.
I think my favorite part is going to the market. And eating the food. Yes please.  There are at least 15 more pictures of him like this as I just sat there, enjoying his company. I made a meme that is pretty funny. But I narrowed it down for ya'll. Le sigh. I sure do miss that face. 
He was really good at capturing my awkward faces. Here's one of them. Enjoy. 
Just being a stud. You know. 

There are at least 3 more parts. So stay tuned. 

Release

There have been several times in the past few days where I've had momentary breakdowns. The kind where it feels like you can't breathe. Where you slowly slide down to the ground as your legs turn to mush underneath you. And before you know it, you're laying on the ground, crying. But it's more like you're gasping for air because no matter how much you breathe in, it feels as if nothing could ever fill you up again. Sometimes, like a magnet, my hand is drawn to my chest. Like it could keep all the pieces of me together. Like that would help at all. 
It never lasts too long though. Eventually I run out of pain left to spill all over the ground. And the puddle around me seeps back into the earth, to be cleansed by her.
It's this kind of release that is the most comforting to me. To be able to feel everything I need to feel, even if it makes me crumble. Even if it busts my heart wide open and makes me feel like I'll never be whole again. 
But maybe feeling it all the way to my core is the only way to truly be able to release it. I think sometimes we resist pain so much because we're afraid of the scars it might leave behind. But what about the stuff it may cleanse while it's in there, that deep stuff that we don't want to talk or think about? Maybe letting it flow completely through us is the only way to let it go. And maybe it's the only way to remind us to keep our hearts open. 
I realized that the only way to love, is unconditionally. Because in reality, everyone is perfect exactly the way they are. Even in their flaws, they are doing exactly what they need to be doing in that moment in time. But I also realized that, that doesn't mean that they are all meant to be in my life. And as difficult as that is to accept, I think that's what I need to know. 
It's hard when you love someone, to let them go. I don't know if we'll ever have another chance. But I know that for now, from a distance, I am going to learn to love them unconditionally. Because that is what I need to do. To survive. 

Lessons I've been learning:  - Love people for who they are. Because if you don't, then it's just a lie.  - But also love yourself. Not everyone is meant to be in your life right now. Let go of what doesn't serve you.  - Know what you need out of life. Don't settle for mediocre. Do what you gotta do.  - Accept that things happen for a reason. The good and the bad.  - Everything will still turn out ok. You are learning. You are growing. It gets better

Being A Women & Being Harassed

Sometimes I get this weird, nervous smile. It doesn't have anything to do with being happy, it comes more from pure amazement and shock at a situation. It probably originates from a lack of how to comprehend something, this smile just pops up because the hilarity and ridiculousness of a situation is completely dumbfounding to me. And sometimes I have this like out of body experience where I step back (metaphorically) and think "What the f*ck is happening? What is my life right now? How bizarre for this to actually be happening. How absolutely strange it is to live life." 


So yesterday, I spent about 6 hours of my Sunday watching a friend's baby for him while he had to work. It was nice. He was such a cute and easy baby to play with. And especially after visiting my sister (who is pregnant with a one year old) and contracting some serious baby fever, it was so fun to love on an adorable baby and play mommy for a day. 
But when my friend asked if we wanted to go to Home Depot and get food with him, I was definitely ready for a break from single-handedly entertaining two children all day with no toys and not much else besides keys and sunglasses for entertainment. So we got the kids all piled into one car and took off. 
We drove to Home Depot, which was kind of far away, and by the time we got there, the baby had fallen asleep. It was dark and the weather was beautiful so I offered to stay in the car with him while my friend ran in to get what he needed. He rolled the windows down for us so we could get a nice breeze and turned the car off because he was afraid his battery would die. Then he ran inside to get whatever he needed and said he'd be right back.
Meanwhile, Eliza had taken this gum out of her mouth and decided she was ready to discard it. So she stuck her finger, with this gum stuck to the end of it, out her window and was about to wipe it off onto the top of the half way rolled down window when I quickly spurted out, "Wait, don't do that, throw it *away* from the car!" So she then tried to flick it out, only to end up flicking it off back towards herself and into the car, landing somewhere in the darkness that was the floor. So I kindly asked her to get it and she removed her seat belt to try and retrieve the gum. But it was too dark and I ended up having to use my phone light to see it and just got it myself, throwing it out of my window so that we could avoid another almost-terrible situation. But now, her seat belt was undone and it was an absolute pain in the butt to get in. The doors were locked and I really didn't feel like getting out of the car anyways, so with the windows still down, I lean over into the back to try to get her dang seat belt buckled. 
So there we are, in this dimly lit parking lot, with all of the windows rolled down. Eliza is in the back, sitting next to this sleeping baby. And I'm halfway in my seat, halfway in the back, trying to reach between these two car seats to get Eliza buckled up again. And then I hear someone saying something pretty loudly and quite possibly to me. So I look over the baby, out the other window, and these two guys, parked a few spots down from us, were shouting at me, "Hey, shake that ass for us!" 
They repeated it about 5 more times, also adding in, "I know you can!"  To which I replied "No" "No, go away" "No thanks" and then finally "Leave me alone" 
And this is when that awkward, nervous smile came in and probably totally didn't help my situation. I mean, really, I was in complete disbelief that I'm over here trying to buckle my daughter up with this sleeping baby next to her and there are these two guys yelling at me, trying to get me to dance for them. And of course, my butt is like up in the air as I'm just trying to find the freakin buckle so I can  buckle Eliza up and sit down so that these guys can leave me alone. But it seems like the more they yell at me, the more flustered I get, and the harder it is to find the buckle that is crammed between these two car seats in the complete dark. 
Like, how ridiculous. 
So finally I find it, buckler her up and sit down. By this time, both of the men are in their car. They back out of their parking spot and drive towards our car, stopping right in front of us. Then they proceed to ask me questions like "Are those your kids? How old are you? You look so young. Is that your son? Do you want to make another? What is your number?" 
By this time, I was acutely aware at how outnumbered I was, being the only adult in the car with two young children. Also, being a female, and being harassed by these two decent sized dudes. Also, the windows are wide open and I have no way to shut them. And who knows how soon my friend will come out to offer me some relief or assistance. 
I didn't feel immediately threatened. They weren't being too aggressive but were quite persistent and pretty dang inappropriate. I was extremely relieved when they finally gave up and drove off and luckily, I saw my friend walking out as soon as they did. 
When he got back to the car, he asked "What was that about?" But I was too embarrassed and in shock to tell him. And I had this stupid smile on my face because I couldn't believe that had just happened to me. Finally I said, "Dude, next time you leave me somewhere, you need to leave the windows rolled up so people can't talk to me". And I kind of told him what happened but not all of it. Partially because we had pulled up to the Taco Cabana drive through and started placing orders. But also because I FELT GUILTY. I felt this sense of shame and regret that I had kind of put his baby in danger. I had this stigma that because I am a woman and I apparently have a butt that is appealing to men, that it was partially my fault. And I think that's the most shocking part to me. That I have that kind of reaction in response to being harassed by these men in a parking lot. 
In any case, that is not fucking ok. I will admit that we were in a not so great part of town and these two men happened to be Hispanic. But honestly, that doesn't even matter. If two white guys would have done the same thing, I would be just as appalled. I am a young mom, with two young children in the car and I was literally trying to buckle my daughter into her seat. First of all, no man ever needs to tell a woman in a parking lot, in another car, to "shake that ass". Especially in that circumstance. And then to go on to question me about my children, age, number, and if I wanted to have sex with them? I was literally in the car with children and these guys were trying to get me in their bed. 
The longer I think about it, the more the shock wears away, the more angry I get about it. Like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Why would this situation ever be deemed as acceptable? Where and who are their mothers and fathers or any adult figures that had an impression on them and helped them to learn their ways? Why would someone ever think it is appropriate to talk to complete strangers like that? Especially with children in the car? 
Remember when I said I thought my life was a soap opera? I feel like a crazy person about half of the time. 
 It just amazes me how that situation even came to be in the first place and the little things that instigated it. Like if Eliza hadn't of accidentally flicked the gum back inside or if I had just suggested that I could get it off the floor in the first place, she would have never needed her seat belt to be re-buckled. Or what if the windows weren't even rolled down, she wouldn't have tried to flick it out, and I doubt some strangers would have tried to talk to me. Or what if we had parked one row over? Or I had just said that I didn't want to go to Home Depot, that we would just hang out instead of driving along. 
It was all of these little things that got me to that point, that made that situation happen that is so amazing to me. Like where they all led to and that each of them had a purpose in the story, to help it along. And then all of that happened. And it could have turned out so much worse. 
It's sad and depressing to think that something like that can be passed as appropriate and acceptable in our society. Definitely a reminder that we still have ways to go in the arena of equal rights and views towards women. But even my reaction and hesitation to admit what had just happened is alarming because somehow, I felt like I was partially to blame. That I had provoked them simply by the way that I look. I wasn't wearing provocative clothes, in fact I was still in my pajamas. I was wearing pajama pants covered in pictures of troll dolls and a tank top with a sports bra underneath, I was in no way revealing any part of my body inappropriately. Yet I still felt responsible. 
So even though that shouldn't have happened, I think the fact that I reacted the way I did is an indicator of how negatively we view and treat victims in cases like this. How messed up is that? 


What a weird day yesterday was. I still feel like I'm trying to process all of it. What is my life right now? 

So Here We Go Bluebird

Do you ever go through phases where you listen to the same songs over and over and over? Because sometimes they're the only ones you want to hear? Or that you need to hear? 
Especially when I go through a rough time, listening to music can be so soothing. And even if they're sad, maybe especially if they're sad, they make me feel some sort of peace. Maybe because they make me feel like it's ok to be where I am. It's ok to feel what I feel. And that other people go through it too, I'm not the only one. There's a connection and an understanding that I get from music that lifts me on my darkest of days. 
And then eventually you move on. Once you've felt what you need to feel, you don't need those songs anymore. You find new ones that you can relate to in a different way, that make you feel whatever it is that you need to feel next. And life goes on. 
Anyways, here are a few that I've had on repeat the last couple of days. 
This one is sung by a girl I went to high school with. She's incredibly talented (obviously) but I love her voice. Sometimes familiar voices are the most soothing. 
Speaking of familiar, I'm pretty sure I've posted this one before. My best friend is the main man in it, this one goes on repeat when I have a really crappy day. 
The rest are kind of sad but consoling. 


And then there's this and it's great and I love it. 
Forgive and forget. Let that negative shit go. For you. 

Back & Forth

Here we go again. I told him yesterday that I had to move on. I told him I had to let go. I can't put myself through the hopelessly waiting anymore. I can't put my life on hold right now because I think there might be a chance in the future. I can't put myself in that position. I'm tired of this limbo where I'm stuck between wanting him, wanting to fix things and then trying to grow, try to move on for myself. And I think it's for real this time. 

6 Signs You're Not Meant To Be

this article was so on point, definitely some advice I could relate to. 

I guess I just keep thinking, how do I know I'm making the right decision? I don't want to give up on something that means something but at what point do you decide you need to just let go? How do you know what's best? I still love him. Which makes it so hard. But we can't be together now. We can't do the long distance. Our lives and where we are going simply don't match up right now and no matter how hard we try, we just can't make the pieces fit. Trying to stay together is more torture than pleasure, it's destroying the both of us. 

And I keep thinking, but what about in the future? What about when life has changed us and situations fluctuate? What if we cross paths again and it actually works out? What if we could have a chance in the future when we have grown and become better people? 

So then my dilemma becomes finding peace in knowing I can't be with him now. Even though I love him. Even though I still dream of a future with him. Even though that could actually happen. I have to let him go now. I have to move forward without him for now. 

And it makes me so deeply sad to think about what we started as and not having him in my life any more. Even though it became so miserable for the both of us. Maybe I'm just not good at letting go. Maybe I'm just too stubborn or sentimental. Is it going to take more misery and suffering to actually release him? Or can I just surrender and trust that everything is going to turn out ok. 

Sometimes I feel like my life is a soap opera. I get so carried away with it. I get so deep in my emotions. I take everything way too seriously. Sometimes I forget to enjoy it for what it is. And to be more light. I get so passionate about everything that it's all jumbled up and I can't make up my mind or heart about which way to go. 

Do you ever just wake up and want to go back to sleep immediately? And the longer the day drags on, the more you want to just be unconscious so you can actually rest for a while, take a break from reality, and then start fresh the next day. I'm so over today. I'm over being an adult for the day. It's 3 o'clock and all I want to do is crawl in bed and Netflix my day away. But I'm also a single mom so despite what I want to do, I have a child to care for until I put her to sleep. So I still have about 7 more hours before I can actually have some time to myself. 

Ugh. life. 

I'm just trudging on. Hoping for a sunnier day tomorrow.