So Here We Go Bluebird

Do you ever go through phases where you listen to the same songs over and over and over? Because sometimes they're the only ones you want to hear? Or that you need to hear? 
Especially when I go through a rough time, listening to music can be so soothing. And even if they're sad, maybe especially if they're sad, they make me feel some sort of peace. Maybe because they make me feel like it's ok to be where I am. It's ok to feel what I feel. And that other people go through it too, I'm not the only one. There's a connection and an understanding that I get from music that lifts me on my darkest of days. 
And then eventually you move on. Once you've felt what you need to feel, you don't need those songs anymore. You find new ones that you can relate to in a different way, that make you feel whatever it is that you need to feel next. And life goes on. 
Anyways, here are a few that I've had on repeat the last couple of days. 
This one is sung by a girl I went to high school with. She's incredibly talented (obviously) but I love her voice. Sometimes familiar voices are the most soothing. 
Speaking of familiar, I'm pretty sure I've posted this one before. My best friend is the main man in it, this one goes on repeat when I have a really crappy day. 
The rest are kind of sad but consoling. 


And then there's this and it's great and I love it. 
Forgive and forget. Let that negative shit go. For you. 

Back & Forth

Here we go again. I told him yesterday that I had to move on. I told him I had to let go. I can't put myself through the hopelessly waiting anymore. I can't put my life on hold right now because I think there might be a chance in the future. I can't put myself in that position. I'm tired of this limbo where I'm stuck between wanting him, wanting to fix things and then trying to grow, try to move on for myself. And I think it's for real this time. 

6 Signs You're Not Meant To Be

this article was so on point, definitely some advice I could relate to. 

I guess I just keep thinking, how do I know I'm making the right decision? I don't want to give up on something that means something but at what point do you decide you need to just let go? How do you know what's best? I still love him. Which makes it so hard. But we can't be together now. We can't do the long distance. Our lives and where we are going simply don't match up right now and no matter how hard we try, we just can't make the pieces fit. Trying to stay together is more torture than pleasure, it's destroying the both of us. 

And I keep thinking, but what about in the future? What about when life has changed us and situations fluctuate? What if we cross paths again and it actually works out? What if we could have a chance in the future when we have grown and become better people? 

So then my dilemma becomes finding peace in knowing I can't be with him now. Even though I love him. Even though I still dream of a future with him. Even though that could actually happen. I have to let him go now. I have to move forward without him for now. 

And it makes me so deeply sad to think about what we started as and not having him in my life any more. Even though it became so miserable for the both of us. Maybe I'm just not good at letting go. Maybe I'm just too stubborn or sentimental. Is it going to take more misery and suffering to actually release him? Or can I just surrender and trust that everything is going to turn out ok. 

Sometimes I feel like my life is a soap opera. I get so carried away with it. I get so deep in my emotions. I take everything way too seriously. Sometimes I forget to enjoy it for what it is. And to be more light. I get so passionate about everything that it's all jumbled up and I can't make up my mind or heart about which way to go. 

Do you ever just wake up and want to go back to sleep immediately? And the longer the day drags on, the more you want to just be unconscious so you can actually rest for a while, take a break from reality, and then start fresh the next day. I'm so over today. I'm over being an adult for the day. It's 3 o'clock and all I want to do is crawl in bed and Netflix my day away. But I'm also a single mom so despite what I want to do, I have a child to care for until I put her to sleep. So I still have about 7 more hours before I can actually have some time to myself. 

Ugh. life. 

I'm just trudging on. Hoping for a sunnier day tomorrow.

Change & Self Love

source. 

One of the things I've struggled with the most in this relationship is change. Specifically changing myself. This kind of change, in this particular relationship, feels different than anything else I've experienced. 

 I respect Jordan so much. He is a very intelligent, heart feeling person. And he has great intuition. He's right about 75% of the time, especially when it comes from his heart. 

 One of the main reasons we keep breaking up is because we aren't willing to sacrifice parts of our self for the other. 

 But the thing is, the change that I see that needs to happen is change that will only make me grow. Only make me a better person. And I resist it like hell, for many reasons but mostly out of fear. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. I don't want to base my change on another person. However, I know that changing myself in the ways I know I need to, to make this work, can only be beneficial to me. But taking that leap, to trust someone and change and grow with someone, so soon, it's scary. And I haven't been ready to just jump off that cliff just yet. These things that need changing, are things I've been avoiding dealing with for a long time and being with him has just brought them to the surface. They're so ingrained and rooted in me that I'm afraid if I rip them out, they'll bring other stuff up with them. Or just leave me too exposed and vulnerable that I will regret it in the first place. 

I can't deny I've questioned the motives and future of this relationship. It is so intense. And our connection is unlike anything I've ever experienced or even dreamt of. It's scary and it's crazy. But then again, so are most of the big decisions I've made in my life. However, sometimes I wonder if it's too much? And then I approach these questions that seem to be recurring and inevitable in my life: Do I stick to society's mold for what a relationship should be? Does this even fit into that category? Or do I just say fuck it and create my own world where I can do whatever I want? And if I do that, will everything turn out ok? Is this absolutely crazy? And if so, is it the kind of crazy I'm looking for? The kind that makes you feel free and alive and blissfully happy? 

Sometimes I don't know, sometimes I feel absolutely sure. And sometimes I find little bits like this at exactly the right time that remind me I'm heading in the right direction: 

"...The ability to hear criticism and then to change yourself for the better based on that feedback is also a fucking superpower. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. My problem was not my willingness to change, but my willingness to change for the wrong reasons. Change should make you bigger, it should increase your tank of self love, it should make you stronger, clearer, more directed, more differentiated, and more compassionate. The pain of growth is different than the pain of destruction. One will fill you with love and pride, even when it is hard, and the other will fill you with shame and fear. No one should use shame or fear to try to get you to change. When they do this they are not asking for change, they are asking for control..." 

source 

Sometimes I think I am losing myself to this relationship. Sometimes fear gets the best of me and I let it take control. It happens to all of us right? But I think the reason I know this relationship is right is because when fear steps in, when either of us start living in fear instead of love, everything falls apart. Our partnership is never based on fear or shame. And when it becomes that, that is when we have problems. The only time we have problems. When we can keep it based on love and respect and compassion, it is absolutely amazing. It's been difficult for either of us to step away so that we can heal from the inside. But we're learning that, especially right now, what we need is time and space for the both of us to take care of our own things. 

So this time apart, I'm working on my sense of self. So that when issues do arrive, I can fix them. For me. And with as much grace as I can possibly muster. And not because I am dependent on him or being with him, or because the relationship is dependent on me changing. But because I want to grow and experience the potential that my life has in store for me. I know this relationship is what I'm supposed to do in my future, I feel it so deep down that I'm supposed to be with him. But right now, I need to focus on myself. 

 Being with Jordan has challenged me in more ways than I could possibly imagine. It has been a whirlwind and I got too caught up in in, it became too much. I guess the hard part is realizing that I'm going to have to surrender. Not to him, not to the relationship, but to myself. And trust that everything will be ok. That once I completely expose myself to this new experience in my life, I'm still going to keep living. And thriving. And that's also something I'm working on. Trusting and believing. In the Universe, but most importantly in myself. 

 It's so funny because it seems like every time an issue arises in the past few months (and years I guess), I always come back to self love. And I remember that at the beginning of this year, that was my one and only goal for myself. And of course, the universe sends me this person. This person that loves me, that connects with me, that understands me, that pushes me, and that challenges me. This person that forces me to look at myself, to love myself, to trust myself, and to not be afraid. I couldn't of asked for a more empowering person to call my love. But... I guess I did. And that's exactly what I got.

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” 

-Elizabeth Gilbert 

 But what if good always comes out of the pain? You only know true happiness by knowing true pain right? Do you really have to give up on learning? And growing? And being with that person? 

I for one never want to live a stagnant life. That is why I made such a huge transition in the beginning/middle of this year. I wanted something else, something better. I have never and will never do things because they're easy, I do them because they're worth it. But is it possible for me to be strong enough to withstand this kind of pain if it only means I will become a better person for it? Can we rise above and beyond the challenges? And create something that no one imagined we could be? What if we actually stuck together and became the best versions of our self, together? Continuously. Then we'd be the true meaning of a power couple. But... is that even possible? Do I have that kind of commitment and determination in me? 

I'm not really sure yet but I sure as heck am going to try. For myself.

Me

My feet are rough from walking around barefoot all summer. 

My toenails bare plus a few specks a toxin-free polish that are still hanging in there from last month 

My legs are unshaven 90% of the time because really how important is that? 

 I have cellulite on my thighs and tiny stretchmarks on my hips from when they expanded in preparation from childbirth. These are all things I got when I transitioned from child to mother. I am learning to not be ashamed but it's a struggle. 

 I have a (trimmed) bush because I am a woman and being bare makes me feel too naked.

 I will never have a flat stomach because of this pooch on my lower stomach that I've had all my life. My mother always told me it gave me a belly dancer's stomach and when I was little, I used to draw faces on it and do belly rolls to make them dance. She thought it was hilarious. 

 But I have a great ass, mainly because I do a lot of squats. And leg day is my favorite. 

My boobs aren't as perky as they used to be, I nursed a little one for 2 years. And they never will be but I love them just as much.... sometimes. 

 I rarely shave my armpits, except for when I feel like going out. 

My arms are the strongest they have ever been in my life but I still can't do a real push up. 

I have weird tan lines on my arms and legs from cycling in the middle of the day. 

 My nails are long and healthy, maybe too long because I never cut them 

A few of them are also stained slightly yellow from the facemask I've been experimenting with that has turmeric in it. You win some, you lose some. 

 But my hands are soft from working with oils so much, and they love to be held. 

 My skin and hair are healthy and never dry, probably partially due to my lack of bathing but also because I eat so damn well (most of the time).

 My hair is always a wild, wavy mess because that's the way I like it. I never brush it unless I'm about to take a shower. There are some things I never want to tame. 

 My ombre tips teeter between vibrant purple and a coral pink, whatever I'm in the mood for. 

 The freckles on my face reveal how much time I spend in the sun, depending on how dark they get. 

And the pimples on my face declare how stressful my life has been lately or how much crappy food I've been ingesting, it's something I'm working on. 

There's a lot of inner work I need to do but a lot of it reflects and is caused by the love I have for my body. Something I'm constantly learning is that the mind, body, and soul are all so deeply connected. This is why I started my business in the first place, to give honor to the vessels that we were given and to put more effort into caring for them the way we should. To be truly healthy, you need to take care of and respect all three of these aspects. Because when there is a dis-ease in one, it will slowly infect all of the others. 

I have not been taking very good care of myself and it has really, negatively affected my life. I wasn't getting enough sleep, I wasn't eating enough and when I did, it was not nourishing food, I was forcing myself to do things every day that I didn't want to do, everything was stressful, I couldn't find joy in doing anything. I was just trudging on in this horrible state. I started breaking out, I got an infection, my body freaked out every time I ate, I didn't have any energy ever, I was tired and moody all the time. I was just a wreck. And I wanted to blame it on something else, everything else. But in the end, I just had to realize that I was in control. I am the master of my life and I needed to start taking care of myself. And only then would everything else around me, take care of itself. 

Sometimes it's these simple lessons that you have to learn over and over. Life happens and I don't know, you just forget? Or you get lost and somehow your priorities just fly out the window and instead of catching them, you just start fall out too. And you just keep falling, and you get stuck in self pity and this illusion that you're falling and all you can see is your own "certain" doom. 

Until you realize that actually, you can fly too. 

Blood Moon Week

This past week has been a doozy. This blood moon has really been f*cking with my head guys and it's been hard to get a grip on things.   
After some time apart, I started talking to Jordan (that one guy I was talking about in this post) again. We started having talks about getting back together. They started out rough but got better with time. A little understanding and compassion goes a long way.   
I've seen him twice since I wrote my last post and each time, we learned more about what we need to make this work but neither visits ended up with us actually getting back together. I think we both learned that there are things we need to focus on, by ourselves. And right now, our relationship is just getting in the way. Because then we focus to much on trying to fix "us" instead of fixing ourselves, which is the root of the problem anyways.   
So we're still broken up. I'm still single ya'll. But my heart is still very much with him.   
For now, we are taking time apart to heal and learn what we need for ourselves. I don't know how long it will take. Can you put a time frame on that?   
In our last discussion, we both agreed that this was the right thing to do. And we both agreed we didn't want anyone else. And since we've stopped talking, since I've focused on myself alone, I have felt a million times better.   
I actually cried after that. But not from being sad. I think it was more like, being relieved. And feeling peace. Because I knew everything was going to be ok. It was kind of like a release of all the things I had been holding on to, the fear, the hurt, the anger. I just let it all go.   
I never got a chance to be on my own, you know? Like truly on my own. So I'm taking this time to love myself, feel secure in myself and in my life, and fully heal before trying to take on another relationship. I should have done that in the first place really but it just never happened.   
I don't know how I found such an understanding, resilient, and caring guy to call my love. He surprises me all the time with his commitment to his heart and his path. It's inspiring and motivating.  
We have a lot of problems but I think for now, we need to solve them on our own. Because being together is just complicating things.   
And it's nice to know that even though I'm "single", I have someone waiting for me. Someone protecting that little piece of heart that I gifted them. And when I'm ready, they will be there for me. When I love myself enough to fully accept the love they are offering me. When I'm secure enough to hold my own in a relationship and give them everything they deserve without having to sacrifice myself in the mean time.   
I know it might be a while. I've got a lot of work and healing to do. But it's nice to see a goal in my future, work towards something so positive that I want in my life. It gives me hope. And makes this process easier.   
I'm on my own for a little bit now. And I'm actually feeling pretty good about it. 

What do I need to know today?

Feeling in need of some advice, I got on facade.com to draw a single tarot card for a little bit of divine guidance.
And goddamn, it was so accurate and brought so much reassurance that I'm ok, right where I'm at. This is what it showed me:

The Star

Star Tarot Story

On the bleak landscape where the Tower stood, the Fool sits, empty, despairing. He hoped to find direction on this spiritual journey, a path to his spiritual self, but having just learned that most of his life was a lie, he now feels lost. Sitting on the cold stones, he gazes up at the night sky wishing for some kind of guide. And that is when he notices, nearby, a beautiful girl with two water urns. As he watches, she kneels by a pool of water illuminated with reflected starlight. She empties the urns, one into the pool, one onto the thirsty ground.

"What are you doing," he asks her. She looks up at him, her eyes twinkling like stars. "I am refilling this pool, so that those who are thirsty may drink, and I am also watering the earth so that more fruit trees will grow to feed those who are hungry." She nods back to a single fruit tree that stands nearby, a nightingale singing amid its branches.

"Come," she invites. "Sate your hunger and quench your thirst."

The Fool plucks some fruit from the tree, then kneels by her and drinks from the pool. The water tastes wonderful, like liquid starlight, and the fruit is equally delicious. Both help to heal his wounded heart.

Having quenched his thirst and sated his hunger, the Fool lays back to gaze up at the stars. "They're so beautiful," he said, "but so distant."

"Like possible futures," agrees the girl. "Cool and distant. Yet if you keep one in sight, it can guide you to your destination no matter how far away it is." Even as she says this, she began to fade away, like dew, vanishing. All that remains is a gleam that was at the center of her forehead. This rises up and up, until it settles in the night sky as a shining star. "Follow your star," the woman's voice seems to sing from that light, "and have hope."

The Fool takes in a breath and rises. It is a dark night, a desolate land. But for the first time, he has a guiding light to show him the way. Distant as it is, it restores his faith.


Star Tarot Card Meaning

With Aquarius as its ruling sign, The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing, even unexpected help to offer us sustenance in bleak times.

Thus, the card says that there is aid and assistance out there to help us though hard times, like organizations that offer food and shelter in the wake of a terrible flood or fire. This assistance might, to us, be a friend or counselor, an uplifting book or music, anything that appears in our life and heals our wounded spirit. More, the card tells us that we can achieve what we most want to achieve, like flood or fire victims wanting to rebuild. This future, however, won't be growing to full size overnight like Jack's Beanstalk. It will take time and we must not lose sight of it.

This may seem like cold comfort. No one wants to hear that the person they're interested is not interested in them, but will be in the future. Or that they will not succeed today, but will later on in their life. Still, it is there, a glimmer of light in the darkness. The question is, do we feel it's worth waiting for or not?

That is the question the Star makes us ask ourselves: What do we want bad enough that we will go the distance for it? The answer will tell us as much about what we are as what we could be.

Thirteen's Observations on the Star

The Star is one of those cards that almost everyone loves. It is often the most beautiful card in the deck and its image suggests the peace and harmony of its meaning.

While this card offers hope and possibilities, however, the reader must remember that these are in the distance. Only a time of healing and peace, like the oasis of water before the Star, are in the now. Like Aquarius, the card's vision is for tomorrow. This means that if the querent is seeking love, a career, fame, wealth or even spiritual enlightenment, they can only be told that it is a possibility. It is not going to happen anytime soon. But if, like a ship navigating its way, they keep the star in their sights, they will eventually reach that other land they're seeking.

The Star offers no guarantees, of course, that the traveler won't tire and give up or be lured in another direction. And there is no telling what obstacles they'll encounter along the way. All the Star promises is that a particular future can exist.

The Star offers peace and healing and a glimpse of the future. It is up to the querent to decide if they are willing to go after that future, no matter how long it may take them to get there.

Goodbye Friend

 Relationships are hard. And confusing. 
And breaking up is even harder. 
I don't know what to say about it. I don't know what I want to share. It's not something I've talked about with a lot of people and not something most people approved of. 
I don't even know what made me think that starting up a relationship so soon was a good idea anyways. But it happened so fast, and I got carried away in it. And it seemed so great in the beginning. Maybe too good to be true? 

So I fell in love with this boy. And it very recently came to a very ugly end.

I met this boy at the very end of my relationship with Brandon. When I knew it was already over. And right away, we had this magical connection. I could look him in the eyes and knew exactly what he was thinking, what he was feeling. We were so much alike that understanding each other came so naturally. And we were both such passionate people, both leading with our hearts that we just ran with whatever we had. He made me feel like a queen. He made me feel empowered and loved. He wasn't afraid to talk about his emotions and cared about what I was feeling. He was everything I thought I was looking for.
The only problem was, he lived 6 hours away. 
In the beginning it was ok. We texted, snap-chatted, and face-timed. Sometimes we would have misunderstandings but we were quick to talk them out and clear it up. 
But the closer we became, the deeper we delved into each other, the harder it was to go so long with out seeing each other. Our misunderstandings snowballed into full blown arguments. And the distance began tearing us apart. We tried to create this plan for this future where we both ended up together but it was never really a solid one. And without some reassurance, I think we both started losing faith in the actuality that someday we would ever be together. 
I fell for him, really hard. I opened myself up to him in ways I never would have imagined. And part of me wants to regret it, part of me is so angry at myself for it because things turned out so badly. We kept hurting each other over and over. The more we tried to work things out, the worse it became. The wounds just kept getting deeper and deeper. 
I think the worst part is that we still love each other. So much. But the timing is terrible. We're both stuck with responsibilities and a stubbornness that makes it impossible for either of us to sacrifice too much for the other. 
Because I'm still recovering from my last relationship. He's still recovering from his last relationship. And I think that the reality is that neither of us are ready to be in this current one. 
But neither of us can let go. Neither of us can move forward. So we hold on. We keep getting back together thinking that maybe, maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time we can work it out. But we just keep hurting each other over and over, and slowly (but surely) killing our love. And I think that's what hurts the most. 
What do you do? How do you move on? How do you accept what is even though it totally and completely sucks? How do you accept what you can't change even if you wanted to? 
I didn't mean to end up back in this place. But here I am. Alone and heartbroken. Sometimes I'm ok. Everything else in my life is going pretty darn good so there's a silver lining to the pain. But sometimes it gets hard to breathe and my chest feels like it's going to collapse in on itself and my eyes leak uncontrollably. And I just completely fall to pieces. 
It's different this time though. I mean, it was a pretty short lived relationship compared to my last one so I wasn't as fully involved in his life. But I don't feel lost like the last time. I know who I am. I know who I want to be. Unfortunately things didn't work out. And it's really fucking sad. But at least I've got myself. At least I still love myself. 

I'm just stuck in this place of holding my ground, respecting myself and my needs and then like how much do I give to make something work? How much do I sacrifice before I start lose myself again? How do you find the balance? And find a relationship where you don't have to give up yourself to your love. Or is that what you're supposed to do? 
I don't even know. 
Ugh. 
Relationships are hard. And confusing.