There have been several times in the past few days where I've had momentary breakdowns. The kind where it feels like you can't breathe. Where you slowly slide down to the ground as your legs turn to mush underneath you. And before you know it, you're laying on the ground, crying. But it's more like you're gasping for air because no matter how much you breathe in, it feels as if nothing could ever fill you up again. Sometimes, like a magnet, my hand is drawn to my chest. Like it could keep all the pieces of me together. Like that would help at all.
It never lasts too long though. Eventually I run out of pain left to spill all over the ground. And the puddle around me seeps back into the earth, to be cleansed by her.
It's this kind of release that is the most comforting to me. To be able to feel everything I need to feel, even if it makes me crumble. Even if it busts my heart wide open and makes me feel like I'll never be whole again.
But maybe feeling it all the way to my core is the only way to truly be able to release it. I think sometimes we resist pain so much because we're afraid of the scars it might leave behind. But what about the stuff it may cleanse while it's in there, that deep stuff that we don't want to talk or think about? Maybe letting it flow completely through us is the only way to let it go. And maybe it's the only way to remind us to keep our hearts open.
I realized that the only way to love, is unconditionally. Because in reality, everyone is perfect exactly the way they are. Even in their flaws, they are doing exactly what they need to be doing in that moment in time. But I also realized that, that doesn't mean that they are all meant to be in my life. And as difficult as that is to accept, I think that's what I need to know.
It's hard when you love someone, to let them go. I don't know if we'll ever have another chance. But I know that for now, from a distance, I am going to learn to love them unconditionally. Because that is what I need to do. To survive.
Lessons I've been learning:
- Love people for who they are. Because if you don't, then it's just a lie.
- But also love yourself. Not everyone is meant to be in your life right now. Let go of what doesn't serve you.
- Know what you need out of life. Don't settle for mediocre. Do what you gotta do.
- Accept that things happen for a reason. The good and the bad.
- Everything will still turn out ok. You are learning. You are growing. It gets better