Thursday, October 15, 2015

Back & Forth

Here we go again. I told him yesterday that I had to move on. I told him I had to let go. I can't put myself through the hopelessly waiting anymore. I can't put my life on hold right now because I think there might be a chance in the future. I can't put myself in that position. I'm tired of this limbo where I'm stuck between wanting him, wanting to fix things and then trying to grow, try to move on for myself. And I think it's for real this time. 

this article was so on point, definitely some advice I could relate to. 

I guess I just keep thinking, how do I know I'm making the right decision? I don't want to give up on something that means something but at what point do you decide you need to just let go? How do you know what's best? I still love him. Which makes it so hard. But we can't be together now. We can't do the long distance. Our lives and where we are going simply don't match up right now and no matter how hard we try, we just can't make the pieces fit. Trying to stay together is more torture than pleasure, it's destroying the both of us. 

And I keep thinking, but what about in the future? What about when life has changed us and situations fluctuate? What if we cross paths again and it actually works out? What if we could have a chance in the future when we have grown and become better people? 

So then my dilemma becomes finding peace in knowing I can't be with him now. Even though I love him. Even though I still dream of a future with him. Even though that could actually happen. I have to let him go now. I have to move forward without him for now. 

And it makes me so deeply sad to think about what we started as and not having him in my life any more. Even though it became so miserable for the both of us. Maybe I'm just not good at letting go. Maybe I'm just too stubborn or sentimental. Is it going to take more misery and suffering to actually release him? Or can I just surrender and trust that everything is going to turn out ok. 

Sometimes I feel like my life is a soap opera. I get so carried away with it. I get so deep in my emotions. I take everything way too seriously. Sometimes I forget to enjoy it for what it is. And to be more light. I get so passionate about everything that it's all jumbled up and I can't make up my mind or heart about which way to go. 

Do you ever just wake up and want to go back to sleep immediately? And the longer the day drags on, the more you want to just be unconscious so you can actually rest for a while, take a break from reality, and then start fresh the next day. I'm so over today. I'm over being an adult for the day. It's 3 o'clock and all I want to do is crawl in bed and Netflix my day away. But I'm also a single mom so despite what I want to do, I have a child to care for until I put her to sleep. So I still have about 7 more hours before I can actually have some time to myself. 

Ugh. life. 

I'm just trudging on. Hoping for a sunnier day tomorrow.

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