Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Goodbye Friend


 Relationships are hard. And confusing. 

And breaking up is even harder. 

I don't know what to say about it. I don't know what I want to share. It's not something I've talked about with a lot of people and not something most people approved of. 

I don't even know what made me think that starting up a relationship so soon was a good idea anyways. But it happened so fast, and I got carried away in it. And it seemed so great in the beginning. Maybe too good to be true? 

So I fell in love with this boy. And it very recently came to a very ugly end.

I met this boy at the very end of my relationship with Brandon. When I knew it was already over. And right away, we had this magical connection. I could look him in the eyes and knew exactly what he was thinking, what he was feeling. We were so much alike that understanding each other came so naturally. And we were both such passionate people, both leading with our hearts that we just ran with whatever we had. He made me feel like a queen. He made me feel empowered and loved. He wasn't afraid to talk about his emotions and cared about what I was feeling. He was everything I thought I was looking for.

The only problem was, he lived 6 hours away. 

In the beginning it was ok. We texted, snap-chatted, and face-timed. Sometimes we would have misunderstandings but we were quick to talk them out and clear it up. 

But the closer we became, the deeper we delved into each other, the harder it was to go so long with out seeing each other. Our misunderstandings snowballed into full blown arguments. And the distance began tearing us apart. We tried to create this plan for this future where we both ended up together but it was never really a solid one. And without some reassurance, I think we both started losing faith in the actuality that someday we would ever be together. 

I fell for him, really hard. I opened myself up to him in ways I never would have imagined. And part of me wants to regret it, part of me is so angry at myself for it because things turned out so badly. We kept hurting each other over and over. The more we tried to work things out, the worse it became. The wounds just kept getting deeper and deeper. 

I think the worst part is that we still love each other. So much. But the timing is terrible. We're both stuck with responsibilities and a stubbornness that makes it impossible for either of us to sacrifice too much for the other. 

Because I'm still recovering from my last relationship. He's still recovering from his last relationship. And I think that the reality is that neither of us are ready to be in this current one. 

But neither of us can let go. Neither of us can move forward. So we hold on. We keep getting back together thinking that maybe, maybe this time it will be different, maybe this time we can work it out. But we just keep hurting each other over and over, and slowly (but surely) killing our love. And I think that's what hurts the most. 

What do you do? How do you move on? How do you accept what is even though it totally and completely sucks? How do you accept what you can't change even if you wanted to? 

I didn't mean to end up back in this place. But here I am. Alone and heartbroken. Sometimes I'm ok. Everything else in my life is going pretty darn good so there's a silver lining to the pain. But sometimes it gets hard to breathe and my chest feels like it's going to collapse in on itself and my eyes leak uncontrollably. And I just completely fall to pieces. 

It's different this time though. I mean, it was a pretty short lived relationship compared to my last one so I wasn't as fully involved in his life. But I don't feel lost like the last time. I know who I am. I know who I want to be. Unfortunately things didn't work out. And it's really fucking sad. But at least I've got myself. At least I still love myself. 

I'm just stuck in this place of holding my ground, respecting myself and my needs and then like how much do I give to make something work? How much do I sacrifice before I start lose myself again? How do you find the balance? And find a relationship where you don't have to give up yourself to your love. Or is that what you're supposed to do? 

I don't even know. 


Relationships are hard. And confusing. 

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