Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Blood Moon Week

This past week has been a doozy. This blood moon has really been f*cking with my head guys and it's been hard to get a grip on things. 
After some time apart, I started talking to Jordan (that one guy I was talking about in this post) again. We started having talks about getting back together. They started out rough but got better with time. A little understanding and compassion goes a long way. 
I've seen him twice since I wrote my last post and each time, we learned more about what we need to make this work but neither visits ended up with us actually getting back together. I think we both learned that there are things we need to focus on, by ourselves. And right now, our relationship is just getting in the way. Because then we focus to much on trying to fix "us" instead of fixing ourselves, which is the root of the problem anyways. 
So we're still broken up. I'm still single ya'll. But my heart is still very much with him. 
For now, we are taking time apart to heal and learn what we need for ourselves. I don't know how long it will take. Can you put a time frame on that? 
In our last discussion, we both agreed that this was the right thing to do. And we both agreed we didn't want anyone else. And since we've stopped talking, since I've focused on myself alone, I have felt a million times better. 
I actually cried after that. But not from being sad. I think it was more like, being relieved. And feeling peace. Because I knew everything was going to be ok. It was kind of like a release of all the things I had been holding on to, the fear, the hurt, the anger. I just let it all go. 
I never got a chance to be on my own, you know? Like truly on my own. So I'm taking this time to love myself, feel secure in myself and in my life, and fully heal before trying to take on another relationship. I should have done that in the first place really but it just never happened. 
I don't know how I found such an understanding, resilient, and caring guy to call my love. He surprises me all the time with his commitment to his heart and his path. It's inspiring and motivating.
We have a lot of problems but I think for now, we need to solve them on our own. Because being together is just complicating things. 
And it's nice to know that even though I'm "single", I have someone waiting for me. Someone protecting that little piece of heart that I gifted them. And when I'm ready, they will be there for me. When I love myself enough to fully accept the love they are offering me. When I'm secure enough to hold my own in a relationship and give them everything they deserve without having to sacrifice myself in the mean time. 
I know it might be a while. I've got a lot of work and healing to do. But it's nice to see a goal in my future, work towards something so positive that I want in my life. It gives me hope. And makes this process easier. 
I'm on my own for a little bit now. And I'm actually feeling pretty good about it.