Saturday, July 18, 2015

Right.

I've been thinking a lot about why I stopped blogging this past year. And perhaps why others choose to stop blogging. 

I was watching a documentary about a certain celebrity and it kind of helped me to understand what they (celebrities) go through, being in the public eye all the time. And why I consequently stopped writing about my life when things took a turn for the worse. 

Not that I'm so popular or anything but there is a certain pressure that comes with being an open book all the time. There is a certain vulnerability you put upon yourself by publicly sharing your life. 

I've said it before, so it's not anything new but I was really depressed for a really long time. And I was really lost. And lonely. And so confused. And to me, when I get that way, I tend to turn inward. I don't mean to shut people out although sometimes that seems to happen. But I have to step away to find silence. To listen to my heart. To think clearly. And to figure out what I want. So I spent a lot of time alone. I didn't talk about it to almost anyone. And I don't know if it was because I didn't want people to know or because I just didn't think they could help me. Or because I didn't want their help anyways. Or maybe a little bit of all three. 

But it got to a point where I couldn't hide it anymore. I couldn't pretend. I couldn't keep living the life I was living because I was really unhappy. I finally had to give up on the ideas that I thought would make me happy. I finally let go of what I thought were my dreams. I knew in my soul that something wasn't right. Like trying to force a puzzle piece into a hole that didn't fit. 

I had to make a lot of really hard decisions. And I wanted them to be all mine. I didn't want people trying to tell me what to do, trying to tell me how to live my life. 

When I decided to separate from Brandon, I only told a couple of people. My mother, my sister, and my best friend. Those were the only people I trusted enough to not try to force me down the wrong path. They supported me and offered me advice when I asked. But most of all, they loved me unconditionally. And that was just what I needed. 

But when it came to blogging, I just couldn't put everything into words. It was too hard. I could barely think about what was happening, let alone put it out into the world for judgement and criticizing. I felt like I had been ripped apart and I couldn't bare to show the world all of my broken pieces. Not yet. Not until I had some time to put myself back together again. 

It's been a hard journey. No part of it was easy. I had to walk away from a life that I had worked so hard to create. But guys, I felt like I was slowly dying, like I could feel my soul withering away a little bit more each day. I couldn't find myself anymore. I couldn't breathe. So I came to the eventual truth that I just couldn't do it anymore. Something was terribly wrong, the life that looked so good from the outside, was empty on the inside. Something so massive was missing and I needed to find out what that was. So I gathered whatever strength I had left and I ended it all. 

So here I am. A few months later. Trying to rebuild my life. It's been so humbling. And I've learned a lot about who I am and who I want to be. And although I'm still very much in transition, this is definitely a beginning for me. I still have hard days, most things are a struggle in fact, but I haven't felt this positive about the direction I'm heading in a really long time. I *know* I am exactly where I need to be right now. This feels so right. It's not perfect. Far from it actually. But it's right. 

Somewhere a while ago, I took a wrong turn and now I'm out to find the path I was supposed to be on all along. 

And I'd like to bring you all with me, if you'd like to follow along. I recently remembered how much I loved blogging, how much I loved taking pictures, how much I loved documenting my life. Not for other people, but for myself. It was once one of the greatest joys for me to come to this space and share bits of my life. To make friends all over the world and create our own little community. I remembered how much blogging helped me to appreciate life. Appreciate the beauty that surrounds us. And appreciate all of the wonderful things we get to experience. And leave my little breadcrumbs so that I can come back later on and remember the things I had forgotten. Remember the things I needed. 

So I've decided that I'm going to shut my comments off indefinitely. Not because I don't want to hear what you guys have to say but because I want to focus on doing this for me. I think subconsciously and even consciously, it's been a huge block for me to consider all of the people that read my blog and then have to worry about what they think or have to say about what I share. So for right now, that's what I'm going to do. But if you really want to contact me, feel free to shoot me an email: samwish3@gmail.com 


Haha well enough of my repetitive ramblings. I hope you all have (or had?) a wonderful day. So much love to you. 

IMG_5162 copy