Monday, June 1, 2015

Real Talk

Guys. I don't even know where to begin. This blog has been a huge part of my life the past 5 years and it feels so strange that it has fallen by the wayside and almost been forgotten. And I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or bad thing. I do miss it but I can say that I have definitely needed the privacy this absence has given me and the ability to keep my thoughts to myself for a while. 

Life has been really hard for me the past 6 months. I mean, it's been hard for a lot longer than that. 

Sure I've had good days, even some pretty great ones but at the core, I have been really, really unhappy. And it took me a really long time to come to terms with that and accept what it meant. And to be honest, I'm still not *totally* sure what it means. I think in the future, when I look back on every thing as a whole, things will make much more sense. But that horrible feeling that I've had all this time, it's not who I am. I tried to fight it for so long. I tried to fix things, I tried to fix everything. I tried so hard to just be happy where I was. But in the end, I just had to stop fighting the current and just see where the flow would take me. And now that I've finally accepted that I was forcing myself down a path that is no longer for me, I feel like a weight has been lifted and my world seems a little (or a lot) brighter. And now I feel the need to be open about it because I can't hold it in anymore. I don't really want to. 

So Brandon and I are splitting up. 

I don't think I could possibly sum up everything that has led me to this decision to end our partnership. Not right now. Because it's a little bit of everything and a really long story. But I have to say that it took me a long, long time to finally come to this conclusion. It took me months of denial, and pain, and frustration, and deep, deep sadness before I finally decided to call it quits. And it breaks my heart to put a wedge in our family like this but I just can't live like that anymore. 

I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what we're going to do with the tiny home. I don't know what we're going to do with Eliza. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with my life. 

But I do know that for the first time in a long time, I can wake up every morning without a terrible dread in my heart. And even though I have some really hard days, at the core I feel so relieved. And finally happy. Like a deep, peaceful contentment. And honestly, that's all that matters to me right now. 

The promise I made myself at the beginning of the year was to love myself more. And I don't know why it lead me to this but I've just got this feeling that everything's going to be alright, despite all the hard conversations, many tears, and temporary grief. I'm learning more and more to follow my heart and trying to do what's best for me. Because at some point you have to start caring about yourself more than others, right? As much as I love to help people, I need to take care of myself first. Sacrificing my needs isn't doing anyone any favors. Just slowly killing myself in the process. 

So that's that. I don't know where I'm going from here. But I think that's ok. 

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