Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Here we GooOOOOoooOOO

So, where to begin? Well I don't want to jinx myself but I think I'm coming back to blogging! It's only been 2 months but I feel like so much has happened. I mean, it is a new year and all. We've had a super long Christmas holiday, and then of course there was New Years and Eliza went back to school, Brandon got a ((new)) full time job, I got back into the swing of work, I started a pretty solid and regular workout routine, and we've been slowly tinkering away on the house to get random things done. But boy, this two months has felt like forever. 

I've really missed blogging but I definitely needed a break. Things got a little too overwhelming there for a little bit and some time away was much needed. But I love this little blog of mine because it's always been a place I can come to share, like a journal of sorts and that's something I've always valued having in my life. Plus I love all of you guys and the wonderful support you have always had for me. But I think this time around, I'm going to switch it up a bit. I feel like I've grown a lot over the past year so naturally, things here will be changing as well. I mean, that's how that works, right? 

So before I get back into regular posting, I guess I just wanted to start off by filling in the gap and I guess responding to my last post in which I left in a not so great state. I'm a lot better now but the holidays were kind of rough. However, I want to start the New Year off right. I want to start by looking forward, not dwelling on the past. And to do that, I'm just going to go ahead and get it off my chest, if that's alright with you. So here goes. 

Like I said in the previous post, my best friend (and I mean BEST friend) moved away to New York which seems like forever away. And while I'm insanely proud and happy for him, it's also kind of sad and just really, really sucks. I don't know when I'll get to see him again and I think that's the worst part of all. I was really spoiled to have him only a few hours away the past few years and over the summer especially, got to visit him a lot. And it was really great, so this drastic change kind of shook me up. *sigh* Why can't we teleport yet? 

After he moved, the holiday season sprung up on me and I decided I needed to get my butt into gear and make a little money while business was good. And I did! I got really busy and did really well for myself. The success was very reassuring, almost relieving too. I had been worried a lot about where my business was going and if I could really make it happen for myself (there are those fears again). But it was a really good thing. 

And then Christmas break came. My entire family went to New Orleans for Christmas because we think that it will probably be my Grandpa's last. I was not exactly looking forward to this, as I knew it would be somewhat of a somber trip. My Grandpa has alzheimers and has been steadily declining in health, increasingly over the last year (you can read more about my last visit here). I don't get to see him often and so every time I do, it's kind of a shock to see what condition he is currently in. He's had a stroke since the last time I saw him and so now he doesn't really talk anymore. He can't walk so he has to be pushed around in a wheelchair and I'm pretty sure he didn't recognize me about 90% of the time. We spent Christmas day with him but I don't think he had any comprehension of what was going on. He just kind of sits in his wheelchair all day and gazes around with this bewildered look on his face. I tried to enjoy my time, but that trip was pretty heavy on my heart. 

But the break was nice, it gave me some time to reflect and gather myself. Whenever Eliza went back to school, I started working again and made goals for the New Year which was really nice. I took a lot of time to re-prioritize and figure out what exactly I wanted to accomplish. I've been working through all of these blocks and fears that popped up so that they don't hinder my success or passion or motivation to make my dreams come to life. I've been thinking a lot about these feelings to try and figure out where they came from and what I've determined is that most of it is a result of all the pressure I feel being put on me by people in my life, namely my parents. My life isn't "normal", I'm well aware of that, I've taken some pretty wild paths that a lot of people, (especially older, more ignorant individuals who are already stuck in their ways) don't understand and so they fear them. And they have these "expectations" of me, you know? I guess that's a typical parent thing, they want you to go to school, get a degree, land a successful (but probably horridly boring) job, make lots of money, buy a house, raise a family, blah , blah, blah. And it just gets really overwhelming to try and live up to all of that. Especially when I'm doing it all cattywampus and backwards and definitely not to their standards. 

I'm usually pretty good at doing my own thing and not letting the opinions of others effect me but I guess I just let some of those things slip through my wall the past few months. It's like inception you know, the smallest thought could just completely ruin everything. But the thing I've learned the most is that they wouldn't bother me if there wasn't some little belief inside of me that maybe it could be true. It wouldn't bother me if there wasn't some part of me that didn't believe in it myself. And that's the thing, you see there is this person in my life that I've let plant these evil thoughts inside my head. He has this uncanny ability to pray on people's insecurities and completely tear a person down. It's a wicked, awful thing and I've gotten stuck in his neurotic crossfire multiple times. But the worst part is, he is part of my family. He is someone I (well kind of) trust and care about and that I've let become an influential part of my life. 

But when he recently attacked me and told me that I needed to grow up and get a real job and a real house, I knew I couldn't take it anymore. I was so proud that I stood up to this person but at the same time, it was still extremely hurtful to know that this person truly believed all of the things he was saying about my life. Anyways, I don't want to blab on about my family drama but long story short, I ultimately decided that this person is no longer entitled to a place in my life because I believe I deserve to be treated better than that, especially by people that claim to love me. And so that brings me to the New Year! Instead of letting these negative thoughts and perceptions dictate my life, I am working tirelessly on just loving myself. I know what I believe and I can no longer let these fears distort that. 

I don't want to blame others for my problems though. Obviously, they are my problems, I shouldn't have let them form in the first place. I shouldn't let others dictate my emotions and skew my beliefs. But it's an evil thing to go after someone in that kind of way, especially someone you "care" about. It's abuse and I know I deserve to be treated better than that. I deserve to have loving, understanding, and supportive people and my life. It's my right as a person and I won't demean myself by associating with a person that doesn't respect me enough to treat me the way I ought to be. 

So this year, my biggest goal is self-love. I don't know how or even at what point I stopped believing in myself and letting people like that effect me but I do know that it's going to change. This year I'm going to love myself completely and unconditionally. This year I'm going to keep chasing after my dreams, no matter how far-fetched they may seem to someone else, and I'm going to make them all come alive. This year I'm going to trust in my beliefs, trust in my passion, and trust in my direction, I know I am going to do great things. This year I'm not going to let others berating and judgments twist my intentions or obscure my path, I'm going to follow my heart and know I am doing what is right for me. This year I'm going to be happy and full of faith and confidence and be grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life, all of the amazing accomplishments I've made. I'm going to surround myself with all of the beautiful people that love me and support me. And I'm going to have greater experiences than I could ever imagine. 

This is my year. I can feel it! 

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