A Few Things: Moving Forward, Being Grateful, Letting Go
Ah guys, the last few days have been kind of crazy for me. It's that time of the month where my hormones go absolutely ballistic and it's been hectic to say the least. It's a blessing and a curse for sure. Even when I know it's coming, it somehow always takes me by surprise. It definitely happens for a reason though, not saying that I necessarily enjoy the process but when I'm uncontrollably emotional like that, I tend to blow things up, figuratively speaking. But in most cases it's for the best, usually it's issues that I have suppressed in some way or another that need to come out regardless. Does this ever happen to you? I try not to make it a negative thing, generally it all ends up ok... if you look at it the right way. I mean, the matter in which they happen is usually not the most ideal... But whatever, I've just learned to go with it. And also, to take some time away from people so I can focus on myself. Most often than not, it's an issue I have with myself so most of the time it's more worthwhile to (avoid going off on people) just stick to my thoughts and work it out from the inside.
I've been thinking a lot about how to move forward and how to deal with specific obstacles and their purpose in my life right now. And something occurred to me. My biggest set back over the last few months has been that I kind of forgot where I was going with all of this (my life I mean). I've been traveling down this road for a while, and it's been a really long, challenging journey. And I guess at some point I just got tired of trudging forward so I wondered off into the wilderness and got lost. I had gotten so used to the place I was in, that I forgot where I was going and where I had come from. And while I still have some bitter feelings about about some of the things that have happened (I'm working on it), I think having to defend myself, defend my way of living, and defend why I (purposefully and consciously) do everything I do, forcefully reminded me of where my passions lie. It kind of jolted me back onto this path that I'm supposed to be on and helped me find my fire again. Who woulda thought. But it really made me take a step back and appreciate all of the steps we've taken to get here. And it was kind of an "ah ha!" moment for me. I've been so accustomed to our way of life that I forget that we didn't always used to be like this. It took us a long time and a lot of effort and struggles to get to here. And I got a little reminiscent about things.
Three years ago, we were living in an apartment that I filled with so. much. stuff. I mean I suppose it could have definitely been worse but it was still a lot of stuff that we didn't need. We were also not eating too great and not taking the best care of our bodies, our selves, and our lives. I'm not sure exactly how the change started or when it did but I think the main catalyst for the change was knowledge, learning. Be it from school or the internet, somehow it donned on us that there was a better way to live and we wanted it! So we started to minimize and got rid of things we didn't need, we also started eating cleaner/less processed food, and made efforts to get rid of the toxins in our homes. Basically, we just started questioning everything we did/used/consumed so that we could get the most out of life. And then one crazy year (2013 to be exact) we took a huge leap to reflect this change. I completely changed my business from fashion to healing body products, Brandon quit his job, and we had this crazy idea to build our own tiny home. It's so bizarre to think that we didn't always live this way or think this way but I think it's very important to remember, you know? I mean there was a time when my struggle was to find an all natural shampoo to clean my hair. Or when we were first learning how to recycle stuff or how we could incorporate essential oils into our lies. I have to remember that I've worked really hard to get here so that I can fully appreciate what an accomplishment it is. We've grown so much, expanded our consciousness and knowledge and overall well being. But I never allow myself the time or energy to take a moment to just be proud. Of myself, of Brandon, of Eliza, of all of us. I am so guilty of wanting to be better, wanting to do better that I forget to be proud of where I'm at. I guess that's the perfectionist in me.
A quote I read the other day:
It’s about being spectacular by just being who you are.
I guess I am just fully realizing my perfectionist tendencies and trying to learn to let things be beautiful as they are, without having to meticulously spot out every error or imperfection or how something could be better. It gets very overwhelming to be in that state of mind, but I'm working on it. And because there's always a reason to be grateful, I wanted to take a moment to be proud of our tiny home. I struggle a lot with being satisfied with the condition of this space. When people ask us if our house is "finished" I reply with a hesitant "Yes?" because in my mind there is still so much to be done. When I get overwhelmed, I tend to go into minimalist mode and just start getting rid of stuff. But somehow, we always find things to fill the once empty spaces. And somehow, no matter how much I clean, it always ends up messy again. So I want to take a moment to appreciate it despite the chaos that is our house. Because at least it's ours.
Things I am grateful for:
- Messy dishes, because they are beautiful (even when they're messy) and I get to fill them with yummy, delicious food that nourishes our bodies
- Hamper full of dirty laundry, because we have warm, fitting, good-looking clothes to wear every single day
- My unmade bed because it's one of my favorite places to be
- My cluttered loft because it's full of wonderful books and movies and pictures and journals to keep us occupied
- My bath tub filled with our recycling because we have the opportunity to not waste these precious materials, even if it means I have to skip a bath
- My unkempt "pantry" because it is full of delicious things to feed my family every night
- My disordered living room because it is so versatile and useful. From yoga studio to office to game room to storage area, it's a million places all at once and you can definitely tell!
- My always messy kitchen table because it is a place where we can come together as a family at night and eat our dinner
- Eliza's room which is always in a constant state of disarray but it's a place that she can mess up and play and sleep and have all to her self
- Our moldy windows because they connect us with the outside and let the sun shine in, I'll keep working on that moisture problem
- Random socks on the floor, because they keep our toesies warm
- Our dirty floor, because it's so easy to clean even if I have to do it every other day
- Those clean clothes that have been sitting in the laundry basket for days.... at least they're clean!
- The filled to the brim bag of trash that is waiting for me to dump, because it's so small and easy to take care of
- Our white but almost never visible carpet because it's exactly what I always wanted!
- My tiny home, it's not perfect and never will be but it's all mine... I mean ours. It's all ours (:
I guess in the midst of all of this, I have to remember why I am here, how I got here, and where I was before. Even though it's good to look towards the future, it is also important to remember your past. I built this tiny home because I wanted a place of my own. I designed it to splendidly accommodate our little family of three. I love it because it is not infested with roaches. But it's not perfect, I still have a 5 year old that destroys everything and a man child that casually throws his things everywhere. I guess I just have to learn to be ok with the clutter. And as much as I hate to admit it, it's probably more of a metaphor for other areas of my life as well.
I've been learning a lot about patience lately, a lot about letting go of the control freak in me, and trying to accept things the way they are even if I am working towards a better future. I guess it's just the balance I need to find, it's a struggle though. I guess that's where the appreciation and gratefulness comes in though. When you have ability to be grateful for something despite it's imperfections, maybe only then can it truly become what you always wanted.