Wednesday, September 24, 2014

A Few Things: Progress Report

So we've got two weeks left until we have to have our tiny home ready to party! We've finished up the kitchen and are moving on to the bathroom next which involves hooking up our water (!!!) and tiling the bathtub. And probably building a toilet though that's not high on my list of priorities. I have a feeling that after we get our water hooked up, I'm probably going to get carried away with having my own working kitchen and forget about the toilet. Although after being able to cook in my own home, I'm sure a toilet is going to become necessary ;) 

kitchen
With all the things we've been accomplished lately and with all of the little things coming together in the tiny home, I've been really, really happy. It's been going pretty quick which feels so good, even shocking. Sometimes I'll wake up and just stare down at my kitchen (our latest accomplishment) in disbelief. I always knew I'd have my beautiful, dream home. But now that it's here, it's hard to wrap my head around. 

I wake up so filled. Sometimes I get so happy that tears well up in my eyes. Which is quite different from the tears that came not even a couple of months ago. Things sure have changed and I am ever grateful. I'm so in love with progress right now and have finally started to remember why I am doing all of this in the first place. I can't wait to wrap everything up here and complete this tiny home of ours so I can move onto other things like the business and spending more time with Eliza. I love having free time but with her at school all the time, we don't get as much time together as we used to. And I'd really like to be able to put everything down when she gets home so that I can take advantage of the time she is here. 

My current happiness has also led me to wonder about what happened a few months ago and why. I wrote a lot then and it really helped. Some of it is hard to read for me because inside, I want to just forget the pain. But I think struggle is important sometimes to move on to bigger and better places so I don't want to just cast it off and forget completely. Here is a little part of something I wrote that is one of the few things that make sense: 

I fell so hard that most days I was incapable of picking myself up again. I laid on the floor with my cheek on the ground, ear buds in my ear so that I could attempt to let music soothe my soul and help me to recover while I cried many tears and wondered what was the purpose. 

Now I am better but only slightly, I wander around with this heavy heart that threatens to drag me back down again. Back down to the earth where maybe I belong so that my heart can beat with the rhythm of our mother, so that I may share her pain and remember my purpose, remember why it is that I stand in the first place and fill my heart with a passion for change, a motivation for living, and lead others to a better way of being.


And then yesterday, I came across this quote on Instagram and it really resonated with me and kind of helped me to understand my journey:

source 

What I went through was really hard. I haven't felt that kind of concentrated pain in a really long time. And that kind of place, it's the opposite of the positive, determined space I usually hold which made it all the more difficult. But I knew that things would get better, despite everything I still had hope. 

Something I think about a lot is about how some people never make it out of times like that. Like I talked about in this post, we've had a few people in our community committing suicide and turning their sorrow to madness. And as I think about it, I have to wonder what the difference was? There was a point that I absolutely thought I was going crazy. I remember spending the night with at a friends house, crying and telling him about it and he just held me and told me it was going to be alright. He gave me hope. 

I think a lot of rising out of that kind of space has a lot to do with hope. And having the ability to be grateful. The day I turned everything around was the day I consciously decided to practice gratefulness. For everything. And life has been better ever since. But it wasn't easy, I had to change the thought patterns that had ingrained themselves so deeply in my subconscious. It was always easier to choose the negative path but more worthwhile to work for the positive one. 

So that's that. It's been on my mind a lot lately as I get more and more excited for each day. I am so in love with my house and can't wait to use it to it's fullest! I can't wait to build my life up again and get my business up and running! But really, I'm just excited. And that's such a good feeling. Back to normal (: 

Happy hump day ya'll! I hope your week is as good as mine! 

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