Friday, July 11, 2014

A Few Things: Death & Another Hard Day

These past few weeks, there has been an overwhelming presence of death in my life. I have been trying to make the best of it, trying to learn from it, and being positive but I think sometimes you just need to cry. Because that shit is sad. In the past 48 hours, I have had a total of 8 hours of sleep and I am exhausted in every way possible. I'm just a mess really. But I'm ok with it. I haven't had a day like this in while and I'm letting it come so that it may also go. So cry fest, here I come!

On top of my whole grandpa thing (which is always lingering in the back of my mind), in the past month, we've had two friends commit suicide. We've found out that two friends now have cancer. And that today is the anniversary of a friend who died an extremely tragic death in high school. Also, there was a mass shooting in my home town a few days ago, somewhere I was familiar with and had been to. Somewhere within 5 miles of where my family lives and 20 miles of where we actually live. It was terrible, a whole family killed execution style and the only one that survived was the 15 year old daughter. It's just sad.

Mostly, I have been very introspective and contemplative about it. Learning about death, observing how it affects people, how I want it to affect me, my spiritual beliefs about it, and all that. But today, I am just devastated. I feel as though I am carrying everyone's sorrow, their grief, their pain. My heart aches and the tears just fall freely. It seems as though everything makes me sad right now. And maybe that's ok. Because there's a lot to be sad about. And if there's a lot to be happy about when you're trying to be happy, maybe it's ok to be sad about everything once in a while. And today is definitely that day. Because everything is sad to me right now. I'm just letting my heart hurt because I think that's what it needs. And I'm learning that it's ok.

Death helps to put things into perspective for me a lot of the time. It's a heavy reminder of how short life is and to live it up while you still can. I remember that's the way it was when my step brother died and ultimately that led us on this journey to build our tiny home. It gave us courage to go after our dreams, even though they may have sounded a bit crazy. But this time, I'm more focused on my heart. I learned a long time ago, not to live with regrets. I almost always go for the things I want because I know I will regret it if I don't. But I want to live more true to my heart in the sense of how I interact with people. People come and people go and I want to make sure that nothing is left unsaid. I want to live more authentically, in a way that I just leave everything out on the table. I don't ever want to hold back what's in my heart, what I'm feeling, and what's trying to be let out. If people don't appreciate it, that's ok because at least I know I got out what I wanted to. And maybe give people the opportunity to do the same. Maybe I'll be surprised by what people respond with and maybe I won't. But then that part is something that is out of my hands. And not the reason for action in the first place. 

So although it's a not-so-happy day for me, I'm taking this time to analyze my relationships with people and make sure that the people I love, know what they mean to me. Because you never know how much time you will have with them. And while I believe that they'll probably know after they're gone (or vice versa), I think it will make this journey of a life more pleasant knowing that I truly lived with my heart on my sleeve. I'm tired of building walls and trying to guard my heart, it's absolutely exhausting. I just want to love. And maybe I need to learn how to love myself better so that I don't require walls to protect the beauty within. Maybe I can let it grow wild and everything will turn out ok in the end. 

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