Monday, March 24, 2014

Matilda

This was the first song that came on when I turned on spotify.. It just seemed so perfect.

I don't even know where to begin. My last week.... has been a trip. So many ups and downs. And when I say that, I mean like really intense ups and downs. I've been working myself right into the ground. I am exhausted physically and emotionally. To be honest, I'm a freakin' wreck. I worked all week and weekend, like I normally do. And today was supposed to be my rest day. However, I just couldn't sit still. I couldn't stand not being productive, not getting things done. I should have stopped when the jar of popcorn fell and smashed all over the ground. Or when Eliza dragged the split open bean bag across the yard and got a million tiny styrofoam balls EVERYWHERE. Or even when I attempted to clean them up with my vacuum and destroyed it to the point where it won't even come on now. And all of this before noon! But now, I just kept moving, I was so stubborn. I had to get stuff done. And then I went inside to go to the bathroom and on my hurried way out, I slipped and fell. I had twisted my ankle and laid there clutching my leg, tears streaming down my face and no one was there to help me. After the shooting pain became bearable, I crawled to the tiny home where Eliza was and just bawled as she held me in her little arms. It was so painful. She asked it she could kiss my boo boo so I slipped my sock off to find that it had swollen to the size of a tennis ball in the three minutes it took me to get there. And I freaked out. I totally hit bottom. I knew something like this was going to happen. I so knew it. And now I had gone and hurt myself and I was all alone with my little four year old trying to make things better. 

I spent the rest of the day at the emergency room and came home to being confined to a chair. It's only a sprain but I won't be able to walk on it for a week. 

I don't even know what I'm going to do with only one functional leg for a week. But I suppose this is a message. Clearly I didn't get it the first third go around and so now I'm physically incapable of doing most anything. Time to slow down for sure. 

I guess it'll give me time to think things over. To figure out the insanity going on in my head right now. I know this is something I have to do but have been desperately trying to run from it. Obviously though, I really need to get through this shit. And now. I can't even describe what my last week has been like. I've had this pain in my heart. Not like, physical, I'm going to have a heart attack pain. But like a soul hurting pain. I've been so intensely emotional like my heart has just been ripped wide open and everything is affecting me so heavily. I have had a number of panic attacks that have shaken me to my core. Frightening to say the least. It's almost  like I'm going insane. What do you do about that? I don't even know. I don't know what is happening but I really need to take some time (perhaps a week? is that a coincidence?) to turn inward and try to get a grip on things. 

I looked up my ankle injury in the Heal Your Life book to see what emotional cause this could have been from (for those of us that believe in conscious body language) and this is what it says for ankles:  Inflexibility and guilt. Ankles represent the ability to receive pleasure. New Thought Pattern: I deserve to rejoice in life. I accept all the pleasure life has to offer. 

Gosh. If that doesn't just sum it up, I don't know what will! Well, I guess that's what I'm going to be working on this week. The best I can with one leg anyway. Until then, I wish you all the best of weeks. 


I guess I'll see you guys on the other side. 


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