A few weeks ago, I had a realization about my life and the choices my soul has made. I was listening to this radio show- The Ridiculous Hour and hearing Teal Scott talk about how your soul chooses things to be able to discover what it is you truly want. However, you can't discover what you truly want until you experience the thing that you do not want. It works backwards! As I looked back on my past life, it made me understand the situations I have been in and how I've come to the place I'm at now.
When I was in high school, at about my junior year, I started thinking a lot. Sometimes about my life, but a lot in particular about death. I would always think about the quality of my life thus far and thought that if I died right now, it would be ok. I was in a state of being (or pretending like I was) satisfied with my past life so that I would be ok if my life would all the sudden come to an end. But clearly, that was just a defense against my fear of dying. However, at some point my thoughts led me to wonder about what the greatest thing in life was. What I thought was the most perfect thing. And my answer was.... freedom. You see, I believe that freedom was what my soul came here to discover (or one of the many things). It was the thing that I wanted most. And that is exactly why everything that has ever happened to me, happened. It makes so much sense now, as I look at people around me that seem to be trapped in lives that they aren't fully enjoying. As they are stuck in situations that are less than ideal so that they can attain some sort of standard as to what happiness or success is supposed to be. It makes me push even harder to attain something that I think is so crucial to my happiness in life. Freedom.
Back then, I thought that if only I could have freedom my life would be perfect. And then, guess what happened?! I got pregnant! And it makes so much sense now! If as a kid you could imagine what the complete opposite of freedom is, what would it be? Having a baby! Right? Becoming a parent and having life as you know it disappear forever! Even though it may not have been a totally conscious thought, I totally manifested my pregnancy. I knew even then that everything happens for a reason and to be honest, I was never worried about having a baby or how it would change my life. Apparently, it was exactly what I needed to discover freedom. So we were put on this path to learn about what we wanted. The moment I decided I wanted freedom, I was thrust into adulthood and became a mother.We moved an hour and a half away from our friends and family and I was stuck at home playing with Eliza every day. Which was great... until it was not. So I started actually going to school instead of just online classes. I started sewing. Then I opened my business. I got a real job at some point but decided I didn't like being bossed around by a terrible person and quit to put more time into Sam Wish and being my own boss. We rented an apartment so we could have our own place. But renting wasn't freedom and Brandon was stuck working a terrible job that took up majority of his time. So he quit his job and finally we decided to just move back in with my dad until we figured out where to do next.
As we contemplated what our next step was, what we wanted to do with our lives, we looked around us and found the things we definitely didn't want but by that, discovered what we did want.
However, we didn't know how to get there and were apprehensive about our next move. And then my step-brother died.
This came at the weirdest time. And as I'm sure happens to most people, it really made us look inwards to examine our lives and the path we were on. But luckily, it was kind of a boost for us. We knew we were on the right path and that something great was going to happen. So we started dreaming and having really long conversations about the direction we wanted to go. And together, we decided that ultimately what we wanted was freedom. Freedom to eat the foods we wanted to, freedom to live where and how we wanted, freedom to choose a job that brings us joy, freedom to own our own home, freedom to parent our daughter the way we see fit, freedom to do whatever it is that we wanted to do!
And why shouldn't we have that? People take life so seriously. And... it is kind of. But we are here. At least for a little bit. And why not make it fun? You know? Why not try to live it to the fullest? What could possibly be standing in the way of our dreams? Why do we feel so many limitations? Perhaps to discover what freedom really is. Because how would you know what freedom is if you haven't experienced confinement, being control, disadvantage, restriction? So what are you going to do? Choose limitation? Or choose freedom?
It took a little bit for us to figure it out but you know, I think some people go through life without ever discovering freedom and/or happiness. And because I have already gotten a glimpse of what my life can be, I am grateful.
I know I am not going down the most popular path. And that's ok. Because at the end of the day, despite all the objections and criticizing, at least I know that I will be happy and healthy. Probably more than the majority of people ever will be. I will not have every thing that others consider "important". But I will have everything that I want and need. Because I believe I deserve it.