Friday, March 15, 2013

Rambles: My Last Two Weeks

My last two weeks have been nothing short of crazy. Since my step-brother died, we have been bouncing around from house to house, city to city and now that I am finally home, I feel like I've just been buried in things I need to do. So much laundry, my garden, work. I feel lucky that it's spring break and I don't have to worry about school but at the same time, it's already the last weekend and I feel like I've hardly done anything worthy of a spring break. Brandon left for Austin today and I'm just here with Eliza, completely at a loss with what to do. And for the first time since my brother died, I'm kind of alone and I don't like it. But anyways. Here is a recall of my last couple of weeks.
Starting with Tuesday, the 4th. On Tuesday, I found out that my brother died. I pulled Eliza out of school and we traveled up to my hometown to be with my mom and step-dad. That was a rough day. 
We stayed the night and on Wednesday, Brandon and I snuck off (with some friends) to an essential oils class. It was a nice break and felt good to do some healing with some great people.  After the class we picked up Eliza and drove all the way home, we didn't get in till 2 am. 
Then we woke up at 6 am to get everybody to school on time and I hurriedly finished a major project that I had to turn in. Now it is Thursday. I make it to school, turn in my project, and make it out ok. Walking back to my car though, I had a complete meltdown. This is where I got the phone call on Tuesday when I found out my step-brother died. The last two days, I had been focused so much on making sure my mom and step-dad were ok that I didn't really let myself be sad. All of the sudden it just hit me and I spent the rest of the day just laying around being sad. Thursday night, we picked up my sister from the megabus. She had come in from Austin for the funeral. 
Friday, we took off for Mississippi where the funeral would be. Around 5 pm, we got stuck in rush hour traffic. We stopped in New Orleans around 7 to get gas and switch drivers. Annnnnd then on the way back to our route, we got two flat tires. In the middle of New Orleans. NICE. So we eventually got a tow truck driver and he drove my sister, Brandon, Eliza, myself, and my car all the way to Mississippi. An hour and a half drive. We made it despite the driver's not so safe driving (talking on two phones at once while also driving?). We dropped my car off at a Wal-Mart and my parents took care of everything for me. So nice. 
Saturday, they took my car to get fixed and everything was good. But then another person in our group (also driving a prius) got into a car accident! Oi. Halfway through the day, we made it to the funeral. It was so hard guys. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever been through. There was so much grief and some family drama that could definitely have been done without. I did meet some really great people though. I feel like in crisis situations, people have the ability to form really intense bonds. There's nothing like grieving to bring random people together! I met people and in only a couple of hours, felt like we were best friends or even family. 
On Sunday, we headed home and made it back without any car troubles (thankfully!). We got home at a decent time and I prepared to leave home again. We had plans to go camping with some friends and I wasn't about to back out. Camping was just what I needed. Time to be in nature, with people I love, and just be. 
So on Monday, we headed off to the wilderness. After a few hours there, I had another little breakdown. But it was nice, I came to a sort of acceptance in regards to my step-brother dying. And I think I just needed to do a little crying. Get it all out. And what better place than mother nature? I was literally sitting on a river banking staring into the wild and dealing with all my emotions. It was comforting and relieving. After some time alone, I made it back to my friends and enjoyed the rest of my time in wonderful company. We stayed two nights, the perfect amount of time. The last night, we had an essential oils class sitting around a campfire. It was magical. I came home exhausted and sun burnt but in a much better emotional state than when I left. 
Now it's back to the real world. I've spent the last day and a half catching up with laundry, cleaning our wreck of a house, and catching up with work. 
I'm still a little sad now and then. I think that part will be with me for a while but I think I'm doing good. I really like where I am in life. I have big dreams for our future but right now, I'm right where I need to be. 
Something I've been working on a lot lately is compassion. Compassion not only for others but also for myself. It's hard to love others when you can not love yourself fully. Sometimes I have a problem interacting with others because I'm so stuck inside my head. I get so self-conscious that it's all I can think about and then I just shut everyone out. But something I've learned is to be confident in myself, love myself, and then everything else comes easy. It's so much easier to be open when you believe in yourself. Then you can share your love. After all, people are just people. I'm just a person. I don't have time to waste being like that. I want to enjoy my life while I'm still here. The hardest part though is convincing myself of that. Changing my thought patterns from negative ones to positive ones. And just be. 
These last two weeks have been very trying for me. And I've been taking this opportunity to take a long hard look at my life and myself. To improve and grow. Because honestly, I don't know what else to do. 
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