Tuesday, May 15, 2012

A Few Things: Reflecting

I want to start a new series called, "A Few Things". It's just to share whatever is on my mind. So I thought I would start out with a crucial part of my life and the way I think about it. It was basically the turning point in my short 21 years. I think about it often and I think it's a pretty big part of me. So here it is!

P.S. I don't have a mingle monday because I forgot... sorry! Next Monday, I promise! 

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When I was in high school I though about death a lot. Ok, not  A LOT but I did think about it and I'm not one to dwell on negative things or things that upset me, like death. However, this was different... I was so young and naive but I looked back at my life and all the good things in it and was grateful. I kind of came to terms with dying and had the mind set that if I died today, it would be ok. Because I had had a great life. I was kind of at the point where anything could happen with my life and I was in charge. And it forced me to reflect on my life, where it would go, where it had been. I was grateful for it and was at peace with that fact that if I died today, it was ok. 

But when I had Eliza, it changed everything. Having Eliza changed my life in so many different ways. I would like to say I'm the same person, because I'm still me. But so many things changed so fast. And I became scared of dying. Terrified. Because now I have this beautiful little girl that I would leave behind. Just thinking about it makes me tear up. I guess becoming pregnant is when I learned what real responsibility was. 

Being a mother is a not like you could ever imagine. It's the most beautiful thing you will ever experience but it's completely life changing. I will be constantly aware of Eliza and worrying about her well-being for the rest of my life. A HUGE change for a teenager to deal with. Whenever I found out I was pregnant, I never had any doubt I was going to keep her. I am so, so, SO fortunate to have had the support I had and still do. My family was a little shocked and upset at first but eventually were very excited and supportive. I had a wonderful group of friends that made life in high school bearable. Never once did anyone ever tell me I was doing the wrong thing. Never once did anyone of my friends show that they disapproved. And that in itself is amazing. I will never be able to thank my friends and family enough for just being there and caring. Of course, becoming pregnant is hard in itself but when you have to go through it in high school with all the drama it's... not easy. 

And then I had to deal with all the physical changes I was going through that also led to lots of emotional/mental changes. When I became pregnant, it was like motherhood kicked in and I immediately started taking care of my body (not that I hadn't before). I made sure I took my prenatal vitamins, ate healthy, of course didn't do any drugs or drink alcohol and even exercised a bit. But as a teenager who was self-conscious about my body already it was hard to deal with my body changing. My boobs got bigger which to most girls might be a good thing but I HATED it. (This was probably the biggest issue I had with my body.) And then of course, my stomach got bigger which wasn't such a bad thing but none of my clothes fit anymore and I was at a loss at what to wear. I went through a really awkward phase of dressing. I didn't want to dress like I used to because it seemed too... childish? But I didn't want to dress like an adult. And on top of that I was pregnant so it was all very confusing. I kind of lost my "fashion-sense" and was just a big mess. To me, this was a big deal. I had always loved clothes and loved picking out my outfits for school but now it was a chore, something I had to do and loathed. Because I knew that no matter what I put on, I would hate it and be unsatisfied. This made me resent my changing body and was really difficult for me to deal with. And then, I went a little cray-cray and chopped ALL of my hair off. Like Emma Watson short. It was cute but what the heck? 

It was all kind of a whirlwind really, things just changed so fast and I had to grow up really fast. I had a huge belly to remind of that every single day. It was an enormous responsibility. I had to carry on all my school work and life while having to make these huge sacrifices, and changes in myself. I had to go from a care-free teenager to a mom. And I'm not going to lie. I lost myself for a while. I'm so proud of all the things I accomplished while pregnant, I look back and think, WOW. How the heck did I do that? I was going through the HARDEST change in my life and managed to do all that? The transformation to a teenager to mom was not an easy one. I didn't know who I was anymore and didn't know who I should be. All the sudden I went from a little girl to a mamma! Needless to say, it took a really long time to get back into the groove of things and just figure out who me was. Eventually I got it though. Eliza made everything bettter (: 

I graduated 8 months pregnant and had Eliza at 18. And you know what? I really believe that it was meant to happen. Is that bad to say? Because I would never wish that on anyone but I don't even know what would have happened, what I would have done with my life without Eliza and Brandon. Brandon and I probably wouldn't have stayed together and I'd be off at college some where doing God knows what.

This is something I think about a lot. What would things be like if it was all different? And honestly, I wouldn't change it. I'm so grateful for where I am now and am so excited to see what the future brings us! And without getting pregnant in high school, all of this never would have happened. I have a firm belief that things happen for a reason.We struggle a lot. But it's something I've come to accept and don't mind. I mean, we're both still in school, working, and raising a little girl. It's hard. But I know it will all pay off. I love where we are at, amidst all the hardships. We are becoming stronger and learning everyday.

I'm so proud of myself for becoming the woman I am today and working through all the struggles I've had and coming out stronger. I'm also eternally grateful for the opportunities given to me and the support I've had from friends, family, and most importantly Brandon. I'm so glad he chose to stick around. Although, I never had a doubt he that he would, boy would things be different. I can't imagine life without him, having a partner to share my struggles and joys. 

And lastly, I am grateful for the beautiful, healthy daughter I have. I knew she would turn out pretty darn cute but my love for her surprises me everyday. I love her more than anything in the world. I love her even when she's being a terror. The other day, I was upset and crying and she came up to me and told me "everything's ok, mommy". She put her hand on my face and stared at me with those big blue eyes. She started tearing up too and then she kissed me and then gave me a giant hug. I mean, seriously?! I couldn't help but smile and cheer up immediately. 

I'm so proud of her. I'm so proud of my little family. My life is so beautiful and I wouldn't change it for the world. (:

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