Monday, January 30, 2012

Life in Sam's Head

Lately, I've been going through some changes...mainly, in my head. And I feel like writing them down/explaining some of them, mostly for myself but while I'm at it, I might as well share. This is kind of a summary of my last couple of weeks and I'm not really sure where to start so I'll just dive right in!

Warning: probably going to get mushy and cheesy... you have been warned. 

Ok, so I have anxiety issues. And I think that stems from my inability to relax and also from not dealing with things... and from just pushing myself too hard and not prioritizing. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of crap. I probably told you all about how Brandon's car broke down. So we are trying to get a replacement and it is not an easy feat. Since neither of us have a credit score, it makes it super hard to get a loan. And we don't have $10,000 in cash to buy a reliable car so a loan is our only option. Financial issues have been not so nice on our relationship and it's been kind of emotional... for me at least. I don't like fighting and it's made me face some things we need to change/improve but you know, change isn't so easy. Then, I got my computer back and tried to fast track everything work wise in order to get caught up. That was probably the wrong approach because it was just completely overwhelming especially because shortly after, we all started back with school for the semester. Plus, I've been trying to eat healthier/more organically with less processed foods (which just means more work) and de-cluttering and simplifying my life. Combine all of these with my crazy, hormonal mood swings I've been having lately and it's not a pretty picture. Instead of taking the time to relax and prioritize so that I can take care of everything in an organized manner, I just try to dive in and do everything at once. Then I just end up, in over my head with all these things I have to do buzzing around my head and making me one grumpy person. I mean, it's really all my fault. I've just been in denial and letting my emotions get the best of me. But the worst part is that I've become this rigid, inflexible person that doesn't know how to have fun. It's been so hard for me to function normally and adapt to situations that I don't expect, instead I just want to run away and hide in my own little world. No bueno, no bueno at all. 

So here comes the cheesy, in depth part. I've been really looking inside and deciding what matters most to me. I've been working towards a big change, and I think the reason why it's so hard is that it really is a lifestyle change. I've been changing things little by little and now I've come to the really hard parts, the ones that take a lot of effort not only physically but mentally.

I want to take better care of my body and love myself more. I'm sure you can relate. I want to take the time to stretch and work out a little every morning to start the day off right. And then I want to look at myself in the mirror and love my body. And love who I am. I need to take care of myself.

I want to be more eco-friendly. Maybe that's not the right word though because it doesn't have the weight of what I want it to mean. I want to eliminate the need for processed goods, which in turn means eliminating harmful and unnecessary chemicals from our lives. I want to support the handmade community more. I want to become less materialistic (which is probably the hardest part for me). I don't need things. What are they anyways? What do they mean to us? Why do we think they are necessary? For social status? Because everyone else has them? Because TV commercials tell us to buy them?

It's so hard to break habits that are built into you from the day you were born. And I guess that's the reason for my recent melt down, it's really been my turning point. It's easy to say one thing but to believe in it is another and I slowly I have been changing the way I see things completely. 

I want to become as waste free as we can and live as naturally as possible. The way we were supposed to. It just blows my mind that the simplest of things like washing your face with baking soda instead of "face wash" can be considered so far fetched just because that is what the world is telling us. When in reality it's not so far fetched at all! What is in face wash? Chemicals you couldn't even pronounce the name of! How crazy is that?! I want to be free from society's standards. Why do we do the things we do? Because it's the best way or because you were taught that?  

I want to be at peace. I want to be able to fall asleep at night knowing that I'm doing all that I can to help my planet and my family. Mainly though, I want to be free. I want to be able to disconnect from my phone or computer and just relax. I want to be more present and enjoy life as it comes. I want to learn to meditate so that I can release my doubts and worries to think more clearly and prioritize what I need to do. I want to be able to focus at work when I need to focus and then let it go when I'm done. I want to be able to enjoy my family without stressing about everything else. I want to go on more adventures. I want to embrace nature like I used to. I want to be outside more. I want to see the beauty in things again. Most importantly, I just want to simplify. I want to simplify my life so that I can enjoy the things worth living for. 

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