Monday, December 21, 2015

My BS

I saw this post on facebook from a girl, talking about their new significant other and she said something that threw me for a loop. 

At the end of her statement, professing her admiration for her new boyfriend, she put #heputsupwithmybs 

And I thought, why do people demean themselves like that? I mean, I've definitely been guilty of feeling or portraying something like that before. So I'm just as guilty. But I feel like, as a society, our actions as women are a lot of the time herded into this imaginary realm where it's just "bullshit" and no one should take mind, we are just crazy and sometimes do crazy things. 

But how about rephrasing that to say something like "He loves me as a human being and respects my opinions and actions. And he still wants to be with me despite my flaws and despite the fact that I'm just like every other human being out there that is trying to figure out this insane ride called life. Sometimes I go a bit crazy and sometimes I do things that probably aren't the most logical but he forgives me because that's what true love is. I am not perfect, I am not a super human. I have flaws and that's ok. I finally found someone that loves me despite them. And they're not just bullshit. They're just me. And that is perfect in itself." 

Ugh. 

Clearly I'm having issues with people loving me despite my flaws. And maybe it's me more than anyone else? 


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Friday, December 4, 2015

Truth

What is truth? And is it constant? 
How do you know what's really the truth and what is not? Because it can also change. In an instant. 
I don't know whether people intend to be dishonest. Or whether they have good intentions or bad. But sometimes, people just don't follow through with their word. 
And sometimes that really sucks. Especially when you believed them. And especially when they believed themselves. 
But things don't always turn out they way you expect them to. Or want them too. We all know that. So how do you keep going with all the unknown? With all the uncertainty? When everything you know and hold to be true, could change so quickly. 
But I suppose it's all a matter of perspective. And a matter of how you choose to deal with things once they happen. But there are so many sides to just one story. Sometimes everyone is right and sometimes everyone is completely wrong. But then again, I suppose it's all just a matter of perspective. 
And then, I guess, there's a matter of trust. Even though everything could change, are you still going to choose to trust? And if you do, does that effect the outcome? 
I've been lingering between this weird place. Sometimes I get this feeling in my chest. It's like anxiety and adrenaline and inescapable dread all wrapped up in one, feeling like it's about to explode and take me out from the inside. And I can never tell if it's something I created or if it's something I'm feeling that is going to happen. I mean, it could really be either. It's one of those, "chicken or the egg" things. Most of the time, something bad ends up happening. Or already is happening. So am I predicting the events that are going to unravel themselves or am I manifesting them by continuing to allow myself to feel whatever it is that I'm feeling? Or a little of both? And in any case, what do I even do about it? Could being aware of it and handling it in a more positive way, effect the outcome? Or do I try to let it go or even ignore it before it takes over too much and I let things spin out of control? I guess I just want to know how much of it I'm just creating myself and how much of it I'm feeling from other places. 
I don't know what makes a person good or bad. I really don't believe in bad people. I have this thing where it's almost impossible to see a person as a bad person. Maybe I just haven't really met a bad person? But from my experience, in my own little existence, the characteristics that make people "bad" always come from a place of pain. And because I understand that, I can not see people as bad people. I see them as hurt. And afraid. And misunderstood. I think people mean well, despite their defense mechanisms that make them react certain ways to certain things. They're really only trying to protect themselves, and that's ok. That's how they learned to survive. 
But I think we've come to a day and age where we don't necessarily need those defense mechanisms anymore. I think we can overcome them. If only we can become aware of them and their causes, we can correct them and become a better person. Not just for us though, for the whole world. Because what would the world be like if it wasn't filled with people who chose love instead of fear. It would be a pretty shitty place. 
I got asked tonight, "Why are you such a good person?" 
My response was, "Because someone's gotta be." 
So what's the truth when you notice someone doing something bad? Does that make them a bad person? Even if they keep doing it? 
I don't think so. I don't judge people in that way. I think people need to go through certain things in life to learn where they ought to be. And it is not my place to judge them or tell them which way to go. I can only be the best friend I can be and encourage them to seek their own truth, their own happiness, their own fulfillment. Their truth is not my truth. And my truth is not their truth. 
I respect those people out there searching for what they really want. Because at least they have the courage to step away from their comfort, their security, their "limitations" to search for true happiness. 
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Friday, November 20, 2015

Seattle Roadtrip: Part 4

Then we left to go even more south to meet up with my family in San Diego. We drove through LA right at sunset and got into San Diego just in time for bed. 

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One of my favorite things to do in San Diego is go to the Cabrillo National Monument and explore the tide pools. So I had to take Jordan there. We spent most of the day there before we had to take off to head back to Texas. 
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Guys, meet my family. We look kind of a hot mess here but whatever. I love these guys. 

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Then it was back on the road to Texas! 

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We drove through the whole night. And by we, I mean Jordan drove the whole night because he wouldn't let me. And at midnight, it turned into his birthday. We drove into town soon after sunrise. It was beautiful. 
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We would spend the next two or three days together before parting ways. Things were never really the same after that. And I think the worst part is, I'm not sure I'll ever have the chance to be with him for that much time ever again. I keep hoping and hoping. But you never really know. You know? 

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Thursday, November 19, 2015

Seattle Roadtrip: Part 3

I keep thinking about showing him these pictures. But the one time I brought it up, he did not have a great reaction to the idea of seeing them. 

And then I think, ya that's probably for the best. 

I don't know how it would make him feel. Especially combined with all of the words I've spilled out all over this webpage. But who knows, maybe he already has. Maybe he's reading these very words that I am typing out right now. But again, who knows. 

And then I think, what would I say if he did? If he saw all of this and asked why I posted them now. Because he probably, most definitely would ask that. What would I say? Why am I even posting these now? 

At this moment in time, I feel like I'm right in the middle of either something really good or something really horrible happening between us. And while my mind is running with the millions of ways things could go wrong, my heart has settled on rejecting that kind of fear. Because in the end, what is that going to help? Right now, I am weary but hopeful. And in a surprisingly optimistic mood. But I'm not sure how long this is going to last. And I'm not sure what is going to happen in the very near future that could effect it. So my feeling is, that after this, I don't know if I will have the ability to continue looking at these pictures with such an optimistic view. I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at these and feel as ok as I do now. I don't know if looking at these pictures a week from now, will completely destroy me. So I better post them now. Because I just don't know. 

And I'm ok with that reality. So realistically, now is going to have to do. Because I don't know if tomorrow will. 

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After we were done with Mt. Rainier, we headed farther south towards Mount St. Helens. We took a little tour of the Ape Cave Lava Tubes at the base and then drove through the red woods where we camped for another night. That was probably one of the scariest camping experiences I've ever had. It was so moist that dew was falling off of the trees all night, making us think there were animals scavenging around everywhere. And I'm sure there were. But I most certainly did not want to know about it. 

After we made it through the redwoods, we stopped in Sacramento to stay with Jordan's brother and his fiance for 2 nights. It was fun to meet more of his family and we did some early birthday celebrations (for Jordan) which involved rock climbing and Italian food eating complete with embarrassing restaurant birthday singing. 

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We stopped along the coast for a break and spotted some sea creatures. I can't remember what they were now, but I'm thinking dolphins? The view was beautiful. There's nothing quite like the west coast. 
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And of course, we stopped at the Trees of Mystery to say a quick hey to Paul and Babe. We didn't have time to stay and explore. But maybe next time. 
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